Stopping the Insanity

Just trying it on. What are you doing, asks you.
Well.
For the past 4 weeks, it's been pushing, pushing, pushing and enduring through the horrible experiences for 4 hour long lectures, on my computer, told by spastic lunatics that tell the same story day after day. Really, it's the definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. I kept telling myself, just push on through. Just a few more weeks. Just a few more lectures. Just keep your head down and you will come out the other side. Friends and family have been expressing sympathy, and also the same message: you'll get through this.
But. Today, I had a breakthrough. Well, yesterday, but today was the beta testing.
What if, the whole reason Barbri and the bar study is a traumatic horrifying experience because of these lectures? I'm deathly afraid to watch anything on YouTube. I can't stand any video. I can't watch my Battlestar Galactica.
I'm not an auditory learner. You can talk at me all you want, it's not getting through. I like looking. I like seeing the whole big picture, all at once, before narrowing in on the details. It's something I do. It helps that the pseudo-photographic memory necessitates total recall before it can parse through the small stuff. Memory is a strange strange thing. I have to have seen it if I am to remember it. I need to see the information to memorize it. This might explain why I SUCK at coding. Too many lines, can't tell one page from the next. In sum, I like looking at information rather than hearing it. I see words a pictures. Freaky.
As a solution, perhaps having an old animated man yell information at me is not the most soothing, retentive manner to obtain information. It's a big gamble, but I'm so deep in self-loathing and self-hatred that it's eating me from the inside. So I stopped listening to the lectures today. I just looked at the handouts and and answers and from that I'm going to study. I'm not going to subject myself to the torture of these lectures. I'm not going to keep doing the same thing over and over and hope for a different result.
Taking matters into my own hands.

As a bonus feature, this week has proven to be a boon in the baking arena. I've done too much. This week will have 2 packages going out. I understand this addiction now. It's as though if I can bake the perfect treat, then this longing will go away. I crave something to soothe the daemons inside, to calm the fire that burns away at my belly, some comforting snack/treat/edible that takes me back to that safe place. I'm looking for my cheat food. I don't have one. That's not right. I should have a cheat food. Something that I always order, that I'm slightly ashamed of, that defines me as a person by pointing out my flaws and weaknesses. I don't know what my cheat food is! Not knowing my weaknesses is really scary. When am I going to crack? How do I prevent it? What food will I turn to during bouts of insecurity and self-esteem fall-outs?

When am I going to learn how to use the semi-colon correctly?