Infinite Idiocy!

This has got to be a joke. A major cosmic joke that everyone is in on, even my brain, but not me (the thinking, logical, hasty, idiot me). As you may have heard, I've spent the last week glued to this stupid computer, combing through treaties about Competition Commissions, scrutinizing watchmakers and criticizing Italian Law 55/2010 until my eyes are crossed, my cat doesn't recognize me and my ankles doubled in size from water retention. Just kidding about the last one. Wanted to see if you were paying attention.

My research has revealed many a thing about the culture of Switzerland, the controversy behind Swatch Group's investigation for abuse of power, and other tidbits that would not come in handy unless I made it onto Jeopardy. It would not even come in handy on Jeopardy because it's not factual. It could be classified as cultural persuasions. And after all this, after about 50 hours of work (46 of which were spent writing and drafting), only NOW do I realize that I reached my conclusion. I have a statement. I know what I want to say about it. All this other stuff? That doesn't count because it's too fluffy. It's the People Magazine version of global warming, the Reader's Digest synopsis of The Brothers Karamazov, the paint-by-numbers rendition of Wheeler's Mother. It's IP Paper Lite. Completely lacking in legal analysis with hackneyed conclusions of cultural persuasions. It is poo.

BUT

15 mins ago, my brain finally digested. It let me in on the cosmic joke. I'm not actually nearly done with the paper. I haven't even started it! Here, on my lily-white legal pad, I have an outline that I can work with. This outline has structure, statements of law, substance and takes up half the page. Why did it take me so long to figure this out? I have mental constipation, inability to retain mental nutrients, unable to process the information I read. This explains why I have Performance Test anxiety. How can I spit out an analysis of cases and facts within 3 hours? It takes me twice that time just to realize which end of the pencil to use.

In my defense, trade magazine articles do not read like legal briefs and it was difficult to wrap my mind around a concept written in French for the European market, then translated into English (poorly). It is a very bad idea to rely on articles for conclusions of law. Insanity is certain. Idiocy is guaranteed.